Of all the human relations, there is no one that is more complicated than marriage, nevertheless it is one of the most important relationships since it is the base of the family, and family is the base of society. That’s why there has been so many things written about this kind of relationship, which should be the most intimate of all.
True intimacy isn’t sex-based, nor is it based in living with your partner; true affinity is related with a relationship that makes you feel safe and loved. The way to build an intimate relationship is through an adequate communication.
Here are some tips to improve the communication between you and your partner:
Tip # 1
Be empathic: Do this when you speak, specifically when your partner is going through difficult times; you must try to understand his or her feelings.
Tip # 2
Be sincere: To communicate your most profound feelings may be difficult; maybe you are not used to do it because your family never encouraged you to express your sadness, anger, etc. It is normal for it to be difficult and for you to tend to mask your feelings; maybe you use puns, satire, and indifference or simply silence to let out your feelings. Despite all of that, the best way to do it is to say it without any attempt to cover them, so they can be clearly understood by your partner
Tip # 3
Be lucid: What you say must accord with everything you do. This includes the voice tone, gestures and emotions you put in what you say. Remember that your partner is the person that knows you better, so you can´t say things that isn’t coherent with your actions. When there is no parallel, your partner might not trust you.
Tip # 4
Be humble: Love makes petitions, not instructions or demands because when you do it, you take the role of a parent. When you tell your mate, “you must,” you put yourself in some kind of higher status than your partner’s; this might break up the relationship. For an intimate relationship, you need to know each other’s desires, but these petitions should be made with humility and frankness; there is no place for demands, sneers or concealments.
Tip # 5
Encourage: Part of your role as a partner is to help your partner to develop. Comfort words can push your mate’s potential. His or her potential is waiting for your endorsing words to be expressed to be able to reach all its capacity. According to Dr. Chapman (1995) "To encourage is necessary to sympathize and see the world from the perspective of your partner; we must first know what is most important for our partner."
Tip # 6
Listening more than solving: When your partner tells you he or she has a problem, you might think that you have the solution, but remember that he or she is truly asking for is to be listened, he doesn’t want you to give him the solution. Maybe many of you are trained to analyze problems and look for solutions, but the truth is that marriage is a relationship, not a project to complete or a problem to be solved.
Tip # 7
Pay attention: It is true that not all of our conversations during the day are important, but there must be a time where you give all you attention to your spouse; this means to look at him/her at the eyes while he/she is talking, to leave any other activity we might be doing behind to concentrate in him/her, and to read his/her body language because this will indicate us the emotional state of the person and that way we will know to act in an assertive manner. Finally, ask to clarify any doubts, have presented that you make questions not to badger, but to truly understand your partner’s feelings and desires.
Tip # 8
Show kindness: When we communicate it’s not only about telling it is important the way we say it too. Let's remember that love is kindness and if we want to communicate love verbally, we should use kind words. The exact same phase might have two different meanings depending in the way we say it.
Gary Chapman (1995), The Five Languages of Love, Editorial Unilit
Group P&A, Keys to Effective Leadership Communication
Bellboys’ work is really important, they are a key part in the hotel functions; they probably are the ones who help us the most.
In big hotels bellboys are always recognizable, I recommend you to never give your luggage to anyone that isn’t properly identified. Back to our subject, if you don’t know how the bellboy can help you, here are 4 things that they can do for you.
He can help you with any information about the hotel areas, with the location of the offices or any other hotel employee. So if you want to go somewhere or find someone, the bellboy can help you.
If you are in a city you don’t know well, bellboys are well informed about the city and where everything is locates. They could also recommend you certain places that you need to visit.
He is one of the best informed hotel employees about events going on in the city.
Because they are the ones that give you the best impression of the hotel, they know the services, benefits and characteristics of the hotel by heart.
So the next time you go to a trip just ask the bellboy.
Blog MESA Y BAR (2011) consulted on August 27, 2017 http://mesabar-jorgeantonio.blogspot.pe/2011/05/funcion-de-un-botones-en-un-hotel.html
Sex is one of the best ways to express our love, but it is not the only way. Each person has a "language of love," a way in which they need to be treated to feel loved, and often it is the way we treat our loved one.
I imagine wives might be saying “my husband's language is sex,” and even many men make the mistake of believing that physical contact is their main language of love because they intensely desire sex. This urge is a physical desire provoqued by sperm overproduction, but it does not necessarily cover their emotional need to feel loved..
The 5 languages of love
As described by Gary Chapman in his book "The Five Languages of Love," while each human is unique and expresses differently, studies and experience show that there are 5 ways to feel loved. Although we can enjoy all of them, there is one that makes us feel loved in a special way. When this language is negatively used it hurts us deeper than any other thing. The 5 languages of love are:
Language of Love # 1: Affirmation Words
People who have this language of love need to hear words of affection and encouragement. When they receive any criticism or insult it hurts them intensely.
Language of Love # 2: Quality Time
People who have this language of love need time dedicated to them, share activities, and even empathic conversations are part of this language, so they feel hurt when they do not have ALL the attention, or do not devote them an exclusive time.
Language of Love # 3: Receiving gifts
People who have this language of love need to receive gifts, it doesn’t matter how expensive or elaborate these gifts are; it's just receiving a gift, an implicit form to say "I was thinking of you." That's why when they do not receive a gift on important dates, they feel hurt. Keep in mind that physical presence at critical moment is the most powerful gift we can give them.
Language of Love # 4: Acts of Service
People who have this language of love, need to feel assisted, served and even in some cases they need to feel protected. That’s why letting them do housework, taking care children, and even work activities alone can be a great offense for them.
Language of Love # 5: Physical Touch
People who have this language of love need others to hold their hands, kiss them, hug them and have sex with them to feel loved by their partner. However, a push, a slap, or even being touched in a way that displeases them, is unbearable and wounds them deeply.
Now that you know the 5 languages of love it is necessary that you do 2 things: the first one is to identify your own language and the second one is to identify your spouse´s language.
Ways to find your language of love
1. The questions you can ask yourself to discover your main language of love are: which actions make you feel loved the most by your partner? What do I crave for above anything else? If the answers to these questions do not immediately come to your mind, you could ask yourself from the negative side: what is it that my partner does or says that hurt me deeply?
2. You can also look back and analyze what we have asked the most from our partner. You may even have asked as scolding or demands.
3. How do you express love for your partner? You will most likely do for him or her what you value him or her do for you. That is to say that you use your own language of love to show love.
Now that you know your language of love, share it with your husband or wife because the more loved you feel, you can make your spouse feel loved, too.
Our spouse's love language
To find the primal love language of your partner, you follow the same steps:
1. Questions you can ask yourself to discover her/his main love language: what do I do that makes my spouse happier? You can complement these questions from the negative side: what do I do or say that hurts my spouse deeply or makes him/her angry?
2. You can also look back and see what he/she has asked you the most, he/she may even have asked for it as scolding or demands.
3. How does he/she express love to me? Chances are that he/she is doing for you what he/she values doing for himself or herself.
Now you know a little more about your spouse's love language, share it and talk about it so you can be sure. When your spouse feels more beloved, he/she will be more capable to make yourself feel loved.
Remember that petitions give way to love, but demands stop the flow of it.
With this information, and a good couple conversation, you can make your next anniversary an unforgettable day for both.
Gary Chapman (1995), The Five Languages of Love, Editorial Unilit
Author Rossana Jeri
Bilingual English -Spanish Travel Agent