Of all the human relations, there is no one that is more complicated than marriage, nevertheless it is one of the most important relationships since it is the base of the family, and family is the base of society. That’s why there has been so many things written about this kind of relationship, which should be the most intimate of all.
True intimacy isn’t sex-based, nor is it based in living with your partner; true affinity is related with a relationship that makes you feel safe and loved. The way to build an intimate relationship is through an adequate communication.
Here are some tips to improve the communication between you and your partner:
Tip # 1
Be empathic: Do this when you speak, specifically when your partner is going through difficult times; you must try to understand his or her feelings.
Tip # 2
Be sincere: To communicate your most profound feelings may be difficult; maybe you are not used to do it because your family never encouraged you to express your sadness, anger, etc. It is normal for it to be difficult and for you to tend to mask your feelings; maybe you use puns, satire, and indifference or simply silence to let out your feelings. Despite all of that, the best way to do it is to say it without any attempt to cover them, so they can be clearly understood by your partner
Tip # 3
Be lucid: What you say must accord with everything you do. This includes the voice tone, gestures and emotions you put in what you say. Remember that your partner is the person that knows you better, so you can´t say things that isn’t coherent with your actions. When there is no parallel, your partner might not trust you.
Tip # 4
Be humble: Love makes petitions, not instructions or demands because when you do it, you take the role of a parent. When you tell your mate, “you must,” you put yourself in some kind of higher status than your partner’s; this might break up the relationship. For an intimate relationship, you need to know each other’s desires, but these petitions should be made with humility and frankness; there is no place for demands, sneers or concealments.
Tip # 5
Encourage: Part of your role as a partner is to help your partner to develop. Comfort words can push your mate’s potential. His or her potential is waiting for your endorsing words to be expressed to be able to reach all its capacity. According to Dr. Chapman (1995) "To encourage is necessary to sympathize and see the world from the perspective of your partner; we must first know what is most important for our partner."
Tip # 6
Listening more than solving: When your partner tells you he or she has a problem, you might think that you have the solution, but remember that he or she is truly asking for is to be listened, he doesn’t want you to give him the solution. Maybe many of you are trained to analyze problems and look for solutions, but the truth is that marriage is a relationship, not a project to complete or a problem to be solved.
Tip # 7
Pay attention: It is true that not all of our conversations during the day are important, but there must be a time where you give all you attention to your spouse; this means to look at him/her at the eyes while he/she is talking, to leave any other activity we might be doing behind to concentrate in him/her, and to read his/her body language because this will indicate us the emotional state of the person and that way we will know to act in an assertive manner. Finally, ask to clarify any doubts, have presented that you make questions not to badger, but to truly understand your partner’s feelings and desires.
Tip # 8
Show kindness: When we communicate it’s not only about telling it is important the way we say it too. Let's remember that love is kindness and if we want to communicate love verbally, we should use kind words. The exact same phase might have two different meanings depending in the way we say it.
Gary Chapman (1995), The Five Languages of Love, Editorial Unilit
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