Sex is one of the best ways to express our love, but it is not the only way. Each person has a "language of love," a way in which they need to be treated to feel loved, and often it is the way we treat our loved one.
I imagine wives might be saying “my husband's language is sex,” and even many men make the mistake of believing that physical contact is their main language of love because they intensely desire sex. This urge is a physical desire provoqued by sperm overproduction, but it does not necessarily cover their emotional need to feel loved..
The 5 languages of love
As described by Gary Chapman in his book "The Five Languages of Love," while each human is unique and expresses differently, studies and experience show that there are 5 ways to feel loved. Although we can enjoy all of them, there is one that makes us feel loved in a special way. When this language is negatively used it hurts us deeper than any other thing. The 5 languages of love are:
Language of Love # 1: Affirmation Words
People who have this language of love need to hear words of affection and encouragement. When they receive any criticism or insult it hurts them intensely.
Language of Love # 2: Quality Time
People who have this language of love need time dedicated to them, share activities, and even empathic conversations are part of this language, so they feel hurt when they do not have ALL the attention, or do not devote them an exclusive time.
Language of Love # 3: Receiving gifts
People who have this language of love need to receive gifts, it doesn’t matter how expensive or elaborate these gifts are; it's just receiving a gift, an implicit form to say "I was thinking of you." That's why when they do not receive a gift on important dates, they feel hurt. Keep in mind that physical presence at critical moment is the most powerful gift we can give them.
Language of Love # 4: Acts of Service
People who have this language of love, need to feel assisted, served and even in some cases they need to feel protected. That’s why letting them do housework, taking care children, and even work activities alone can be a great offense for them.
Language of Love # 5: Physical Touch
People who have this language of love need others to hold their hands, kiss them, hug them and have sex with them to feel loved by their partner. However, a push, a slap, or even being touched in a way that displeases them, is unbearable and wounds them deeply.
Now that you know the 5 languages of love it is necessary that you do 2 things: the first one is to identify your own language and the second one is to identify your spouse´s language.
Ways to find your language of love
1. The questions you can ask yourself to discover your main language of love are: which actions make you feel loved the most by your partner? What do I crave for above anything else? If the answers to these questions do not immediately come to your mind, you could ask yourself from the negative side: what is it that my partner does or says that hurt me deeply?
2. You can also look back and analyze what we have asked the most from our partner. You may even have asked as scolding or demands.
3. How do you express love for your partner? You will most likely do for him or her what you value him or her do for you. That is to say that you use your own language of love to show love.
Now that you know your language of love, share it with your husband or wife because the more loved you feel, you can make your spouse feel loved, too.
Our spouse's love language
To find the primal love language of your partner, you follow the same steps:
1. Questions you can ask yourself to discover her/his main love language: what do I do that makes my spouse happier? You can complement these questions from the negative side: what do I do or say that hurts my spouse deeply or makes him/her angry?
2. You can also look back and see what he/she has asked you the most, he/she may even have asked for it as scolding or demands.
3. How does he/she express love to me? Chances are that he/she is doing for you what he/she values doing for himself or herself.
Now you know a little more about your spouse's love language, share it and talk about it so you can be sure. When your spouse feels more beloved, he/she will be more capable to make yourself feel loved.
Remember that petitions give way to love, but demands stop the flow of it.
With this information, and a good couple conversation, you can make your next anniversary an unforgettable day for both.
Gary Chapman (1995), The Five Languages of Love, Editorial Unilit
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